Does anyone else notice how sporadically I update this place? Yeesh.

I've been having a bit of problems with my spirituality lately. The one time I try to get involved with other Pagans in my area (I went to an Imbolc group circle-thing that was held by the Pagan society at my university), I discover how disconnected I feel. I seriously felt absolutely nothing. And it worried me and sickened me, and I didn't (and still don't) understand why. So, I ran away. Decided I wanted nothing more to do with being a Pagan because obviously it didn't fit, and happily became something of a heretical Christian. Yeah, like that was going to last. XD The tide's turned again, and I'm back here, back at the beginning. And I am sick and tired of this constant back and forthing. I really am.

I suppose the easiest way to deal with this would be to just give up entirely, but the fact that there's that little spark in me going, "you need this. You need that something other to believe in", that's the only thing that's keeping me searching.

So I'm working my way from the ground up once more. I'm really honestly hoping that this is going to be the last time, that I'm going to find a place that I'll settle into and feel okay. That whole Imbolc experience made me realise, however, that I'm not ready or meant to do group work. That was just impossibly strange, and upsetting.

So here I am. I'm a Seeker, once more, and I've come back to rebuild and really, I hope to figure out what I am, and how to make it all fit together. Well, at least I've learned something over the last few years and maybe, just maybe, it's all going to work this time.

Even if I have to create my own path and tradition to make it work. Hey, if I can't find something that fits, I'll build it myself.

(And for something completely unrelated, since I've last updated this blog, I've turned 21. I also think I may need to update my little sidebar there. XD)

I think part of the problem in trying to figure out where I belong is the fact that this is totally solitary. In the long run, I don't answer to anyone but myself and whichever Gods want to make themselves part of my life. I don't belong to a community, and there's no one really to turn to. Because of this, there's no real drive to find where I fit anymore.

Okay, sure, I'm some form of kitchen witch. I prefer to be less ceremonial and more simplistic in my magical workings (and the fact that nearly every one of my six or seven spells I've ever done have had some sort of positive turnout says something to me that I'm doing something right). I don't like the idea of being eclectic - while I feel very much at home in the Germanic pantheon (despite having a Newfoundland background, which is a bit more Irish/English in its roots, and having some strange experiences with the Gnostic Christian pantheon as well), I don't want to mix anything - I want to get it right the first time. I hate flip-flopping, I hate not being sure what I am anymore.

Marion Zimmer Bradley got it right when she said that "Christianity is too simple" - because it is. All you have to believe is that Jesus is the Saviour of you and the entire world, and that you're sorry for what you've done, and vow to carry on a more Christ-like life, and boom - you're done. You're a Christian then. Paganism, especially eclectic Paganism, is near impossible to work with. There's no way of working without sounding entirely ignorant at more than one point. There's so much information to sort through and try to figure out what applies to you and what doesn't, and when you don't know where to start, well, it's even harder.

Today is the Autumn Equinox - a change over in the seasons. I officially consider this as the true beginning of my year and a day (why that? Why not? XD) spiritual journey - by this time next year, I hope I'm somewhat more sorted out as to what I believe. I hope that there's no more flip-flopping, that I've found something to ground myself in, and that I can officially stop being a wanderer. I just want something real. That's all. I have no problem working on my own for it - I'm the loner sort anyway, but it's the fact that I can't figure out where I fit that's getting on my nerves. I'm not content with where I am.

So yeah. This next year is going to be filled with lots of research, and introspection, and hopefully, it should all work out for the best.

Just some rambling from me - I'm trying to work things out right now, and this is the first time that I've sat down and tried to get out my thoughts out in typing.

Wow, two posts in one day here. That doesn't happen often.

I don't do spells very often. If I do, it's around exam time when I need a bit of memory help or something. But I've realised over the last little while that there's one I really have, have to do, and I've been putting it off for far too long. 

I have a problem with my past. I regret everything - even the stupidest things that any child could have done, and I'm not sure why I do this. Major guilt complex or something. Anyway, this is literally holding me back. Because of this regret, the fear of causing more, and the fear of something from my past coming to essentially bite me in the ass has literally kept me at a standstill. Before, how I dealt with this was to simply force myself to forget stuff - it backfired. I repressed the good memories and kept the bad. I actually have no good memories of my childhood - even of the last few years. 

So... I'm planning to create a "release" or "forgive-myself" spell. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it - need to do a bit more research on correspondences and such (but I know part of it is probably going to involve burning something. XD), but I know I have to do something to make enough of an impact on me so I can just let it all go. And I have to do it before the end of the summer - if not, I know I'm going to just go through another year of holding myself back, and I just can't do that anymore. It hurts too much - I can't take the nights of staying awake and the nervousness and the nightmares. 

I've tried to solve the problem by myself and failed, so I guess it's time to let the powers that be have a go at it. Maybe something will come from it - I hope it will. I just hope I can put this together right. 

HAI. I'M NOT DEAD. XD

So, yeah. I'm done with university for a few months, so I'm home. The weather's been absolutely miserable. Go figure. 

So, what's been going on with me? Not much at all, really. I can best say that I feel completely and totally disconnected, spiritually. Completely. It's a weird feeling, to be honest. I'd like to start practicing again, but then, I'd actually need something to practice, and I have no idea where I'm going with that. It's almost like I gotta start from the ground up again, do my research (again), and try to see where I fit. I'm calling myself agnostic for right now, but it doesn't quite feel right. The problem is, again, where do I start? D: I always run myself into this bind. I never know what to look for, where to look for it, and then what to do. This seems to be cyclical - every few years I realise I've been going about it all wrong, and then I try to start over again. And then I do the same thing again. And again. It gets annoying. I mean, I understand that I'm supposed to be growing and evolving spiritually, but it's like I can't even get where I'm supposed to start worked out.

I whine too much, don't I? XD I never can make up my mind on anything, I never really feel like I fit anywhere.... gah. I hate this. xPP I'm sure it'll work out eventually, but right now? I feel lost. T.T

I also feel kinda tired. xPP

Ugh. Having an emotionally overcharged day (and past night, too). Not going to get too much into it, but being trapped in a small room with someone you're not getting along with, and then being completely ignored by the other people there... it hurts. A lot. I'm still feeling completely ill right now, not as bad as last night, but pretty bad. Still kinda think I'm going to throw up, but the headache is just a dull throb, and the shaking in my hands and legs has weakened a lot. It was the first time in a long time that what empathic ability I have came to smack me in the face (and I could sense it was going to happen in some way, I was just too dumb to leave and get the hell out of here for a while). 

It's like whatever it was permeated the room, and it's following some of us around. I feel like I can't get enough fresh air (the window next to me is open as far as it can go right now), can't flush enough out of my system (between crying and then going through a ton of water this morning... )... there's something wrong, and it only showed up when they did. It just doesn't feel right. I've got to get out of here for a few hours today.

In lighter news, spring has finally hit Newfoundland. Finally. I can walk outside in my sneakers. I can see (rather dead and brown-looking) grass. I saw a robin outside a while ago. :D The snowpiles are slowly getting lower and lower (I can see the road!). I can go outside with a hoodie and a scarf on - no winter coat! Yay!  :D

(Oh, yeah. Everyone who commented on my first entry - thanks. I've taken your advice and suggestions into consideration - I'm just terrible about reading comments. xPP)